TFG1MIKE 365 – 2019 Day 58
Suicide Is NOT the Answer!!!
THE PAST IS THE PAST, THERE’S NO CHANGING THE EVENTS THAT HAPPENED. This is just my story, the way I remember it happening. THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT TOPIC FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT!
Hello all and welcome to a NEW Daily Blog series from me… TFG1Mike! The idea here is for me to write something, anything, once a day for 365 days. From January 1, 2019 to December 31, 2019. In my 58th entry, I’ll be talking about a very triggering topic to me. Suicide. If you are having Suicidal thoughts GET HELP HERE! Or call 1-800-273-8255.
In 1994, when I was living in Kentucky with my Dad and then stepmother, I attempted suicide.
I don’t think they ever knew about it, I am pretty sure I never told them. At the time we had ten acres of land, and I went out into the field where there was only one tree that I could see. I attempted to hang myself. It was a very stupid idea, but I saw no way out of the situation I was in. My stepmother at the time would hit me. Luckily events unfolded where I was placed as a ward of the state, and taken out of the home I knew for a very short time. It sucks because I wanted to make it work with my Dad and everything, but it just wasn’t going to happen. Ever since that day in 1994, talk of suicide, or seeing suicidal news reports on TV, really triggers me. When Robin Williams hung himself, besides the fact that he was a man that entertained me all my life, I thought about the man himself. Where was he in his life that he felt that was the only answer? At that time in 1994, I knew where I was, and it was somewhere I didn’t want to be. If you have been someone who has followed me in my 10 year podcasting career, you’ve heard me say that I’m not good with change. Well from Christmas 1992 through April of 1995 my life went through a ton of changes.
My Mom had a nervous breakdown on New Years Day 1993, she started the process of turning custody of me over to my Dad, because she just couldn’t take care of me anymore. So from February 10, 1993 to sometime in January 1995 I had lived with my Dad and then stepmother. I wanted to be with my Mom, I wanted life to go back to the way it was in 1992 and before. You wanna talk about a culture shock…? Going from the big cities, small towns, with trees of Massachusetts… to the barren fields of Kentucky. I was so not happy. After the abuse from my stepmother was reported, I was removed from their home, and I began my 4 year journey through state’s custody. I consider myself, and I know this to be true, that I was one of the lucky ones. Most kids that end up in the system get tossed around like pizza dough. I was only in 15 placements in four years. Normally some kids would have been in that many places in just one year.
My Mom in the final year and a half of her life would tell me that she just wanted to kill herself. From late 2013 through May of 2015 when she died, Mom would talk of suicide all the time. Because of what I went through it made me so angry, and I would yell at her for it. I’m not proud of it, but that’s what happened. I would only yell at her, after her talking about it 5 or more times a day. The first time she’d say something about killing herself, because of all the pain she was in… I would try to be reassuring, I would try to get her to be positive. I have always tried my best to be a positive force out there in the world, and even though I can be very negative at times, at least when it comes to things in Geek Culture… Suicide is no joke, and is no laughing matter. The person that wants to die by suicide must have some really bad shit going on in their life. My Mom died from bacterial and viral pneumonia, as well as kidney failure in May 2015. So she didn’t end up killing herself, thank God. Still she was wayyy too young, but at least she’s now at peace, and not in pain anymore.
My point in revealing all of this to the world is that I fully believe suicide is not the answer to life’s problems. For me the medical way never seemed to work. I remember at one point before all this stuff happened, my Mom and the doctor’s back then wanted to put me on Prozac. I’ve always felt that anti depressants have NEVER worked on me, all I need is someone to sit there and LISTEN. As far back as I can remember I’ve suffered from out of control behavior, whether that’s yelling and screaming, or attempting suicide, or doing anything else to self harm. It’s a pattern that I WISH I COULD CHANGE and get over, I do try to self heal, but there are times when I need help!
My second point in making this post is to maybe help other people realize that there are people out there that you can talk to, and they can help you get through the tough times. Whether it is a parent, or other family member, a friend, your spouse, a teacher, a policeman, just speak up! Have you ever had suicidal thoughts, have you ever attempted suicide? Do you know someone who has completed suicide? Let me know in the comments below.
“Committed Suicide” is the incorrect terminology, Suicide is not a Crime. Read more HERE!
Once again If you are having Suicidal thoughts GET HELP HERE! Or call 1-800-273-8255.
Join me tomorrow morning February 28, 2019 as I’ll be writing yet another entry in this year long project.