TFG1MIKE 365 – 2019 Day 6
Dealing with Depression
Hello all and welcome to a NEW Daily Blog series from me… TFG1Mike! The idea here is for me to write something, anything, once a day for 365 days. From January 1, 2019 to December 31, 2019. In my 6th entry, I’ll be talking about dealing with depression.
I’m not sure when it started. It might have been when I was a little kid around the ages of 6, 7, or 8. I do know by the time I was 15 years old, I suffered from depression in some impactful way. As a kid I always preferred being by myself. I’d rather read a book in my room, while listening to music, than be outside playing kickball or whatever sporting activity was going on. I wasn’t lonely in being alone. Yet as I got older, there were times where being alone was very lonely. I’m not sure of whatever clinical term there might be for the depression I have, but I know it is more self destructive then anything else. You wouldn’t know if you listened to any of my podcasts in the last ten years, but generally I’m a very quiet guy in person. Even though I do tend to talk a lot… I’m a double edged sword! All throughout my life though I have preferred being by myself. I even talk to myself…. these days when I’m editing a podcast more than anything else.
As a teenager in the custody of the State of Kentucky… there were times when I would act out. However as I said before it was more self destructive behavior then anything else. Then there were the moments where I would just wall myself off from the world. The major part of depression that always hit me was that I’d never be any good, or good enough at anything. There are moments when I feel like no one even notices the stuff I do online. I’m not writing this, or any of these 365 blogs for attention. I’m writing them because I feel the need to write, and I set a goal for myself. Having said that, it’d be nice to get more feedback than what I do… on anything I publish. Whether that be a written piece of content, a podcast, a video, or whatever.
Here’s an example of how my mind works… The other day when I was writing up the Driving Mr. Daisy blog, I had to correct images in a previous blog that I wanted to reference in that new entry. Well that took up the time that I wanted to spend writing the new blog. After that time was taken up, I needed a break, and had to come back to writing the Day 4 entry. I am sure most of you reading this will say something along the lines of why didn’t I just write everything out? Well the answer to that is I have a certain approach that I use to writing, and when I wanna reference and link something… I wanna make sure that reference point is correct. So in this case the depression is over lost time of having to redo something, that I thought was already done.
Sometimes in the early morning or late at night when I go to bed, a wave of not wanting to do anything will hit me like a ton of bricks. It really sucks and I’m not sure how to overcome it, other than to sleep off the feeling. At the same time if my day is going along as it is supposed to be, and something happens to screw it up, where I have to then go and fix whatever it was that screwed it up… well that really messes with me. After I fix said situation, I need a break from doing whatever it was that I was doing before the screw up came along.
You might be wondering if I have ever been on anti-depressants? The answer is yes, but I have never felt that they really work. If I’m having an issue, I’ve always said I just need to talk it out with someone. While I’m sure medication can help many, I have never really felt that when I was on it, that it helped me. I attempted suicide once. I’ve talked about this, or I have at least mentioned it once or twice through out the years in my podcasts. It was sometime in 1994, and it was because of the living situation I was in at that time. Ever since then I have been a proponent of #Suicideprevention. The way my attempted suicide affected me was that it taught me doing away with myself wouldn’t really solve my problem in the long run. OK it would have, because once you are dead, you don’t get to have any more experiences in this world. However after this happened, I thought to myself, what about all the family and friends I’d be leaving behind? I thought of the fact that there HAD to be another way to get out of the situation I was in. Luckily a way did present itself, and as I said before I ended up a ward of the State of Kentucky.
In late 2014, early 2015… when my Mom was getting really sick, there were days that she couldn’t deal with the pain she was in. She would tell me that she just wanted to die, and that she wanted to commit suicide. I tried my best to be as positive as I could. I told her that suicide wasn’t the answer, and that I hated hearing her talk that way. Because of my own experience again I felt that there was anothe way, there had to be another answer other than killing herself. This argument (if you want to call it that) lasted from December 214 up until April of 2015. My Mom died May 18, 2015, of viral and bacterial pneumonia, and then kidney failure. You’d think that losing my Mom would have sent me into a downward spiral, but I just went on with my life. I know that might sound cold, but the way I view her death, is that she is no longer in any pain. Sure there were moments that I cried, because she was now gone. However there was no one else at that time that was gonna get my life together, other than me. I had to do everything for myself, which I was used to as I have had to do that most of my adult life. There just wasn’t any time to grieve. I had to move apartments, and restart my life without having my Mom there to help. My Mom’s death meant that I had to reach out to my Dad. It was time that he and I got back in contact with each other. So Dad and I reconnected after about 14 years of not being in constant contact with each other. There are still moments where I wish my Mom was still here, and there are times when I completely shutdown and think of nothing but her.
Depression is a real thing, don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. I do try my best to make the best of each day in life. As tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. Unless my chronic back pain acts up, when I first get up in the morning I generally have a very positive outlook on each day that I’m here in this world. I’m sure if the depression will ever go away, but here’s to the day that it does!
Has depression ever affected you? If so how did you deal with it? Let me know in the comments below!
Join me tomorrow morning January 7, 2019 as I’ll be writing about Daily Routines, having a schedule, and dealing with change.
“You know what FINE stands for don’tcha?” – John Bridger The Italian Job (2003)